I have to take back what I said about older white ladies…it’s not them…it’s me.
After rereading the post (which I thought was literary geniousnessity exploding all over the place) about the ladies that I work with and I was really pissed off at myself.
“Well isn’t this some bullshit.” I said as I sprayed Easy Cheese directly onto my finger.
“I thought I had gotten over my “hiding my true self because I wasn’t sure if people would get me” stage in college.”
…obviously not.
So there was really only one thing I could do in this moment.
“Fuck it.”
I was doing them a disfavor…these older white ladies need to know the real me…because quite honestly…I’m fucking awesome.
So how did I do it…you’re quietly pondering to yourselves…wishing you had a can of spray cheese to spray directly onto your finger.
With cursing…dur…and lots of it…it’s really the best way to break the ice in any situation.
“Well isn’t this some bullshit.” I said in response to an hour long training session on maternity wear.
“I’m pretty sure we all fucking understand how maternity wear works god damnit.”
Sidenote: We do all, in fact, know how fucking maternity wear works…believe me…I asked.
“I think I’m just going to ask some really stupid questions about pregnancy, like…wait…it doesn’t come out of your butt…?”
I think they’re in love.
Next thing I knew my manager was taking me to the side and telling me how her boyfriend calls jalepenos…jalepenises…prefaced with…
“Oh…I know you’ll appreciate this.”
And you know what? I did. I always do.
I don’t know how many people have taken me to the side and said, “Oh…you will appreciate this.”
That’s pretty much me in my element…because for the most part I won’t censor myself…not saying that’s necessarily a good thing…but people take relief in that fact.
Everyone wants to be friends with the crazy girl. And when I say crazy I really mean weird…crazy just doesn’t sound as weird…yah know? Crazy makes them feel good about themselves.
Just think about it…no one remembers the polite girl/dude/tranny…well you would probably remember the polite tranny…cause who the fuck could remember the tranny that was fucking polite?!?!
…exactly.
We all have our vices/embarrassing habits/weird shit we don’t want anyone to ever to fucking find out about, but all it takes is that one crazy/weird/mayo-obsessed person to allow yourself to relax and think…
“Damn, I’m weird but at least I’m not as weird as that crazy-assed girl.”
And that’s who I’ll always be….whether I’m hiding it or not…I’ll always be that girl, rolling her eyes…and screaming “You know…the best things in life come in cans….cheese/cool-whip/wine.”
…and you’ll smile discreetly but endearingly, because while yes…maybe I shouldn’t be shouting those exact words in front of the customer you are ringing up…
…but in your heart you’ll know I was right.
And it feels oh so good.