I hate when people know me better than I know myself...

Well actually…that’s not true. People don’t know me at all.

Sadly, I know myself very well…a little too well. Which is probably why I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 14…I know people don’t want to deal with all the crazy shit going up in huuuurrrrrrrr. (Points simultaneously to head and who-hah.)

Side note: Who-hah means vagina.

Any who.

I don’t hide anything. I wear all my crazy/weird/socially unacceptable shit on my sleeve.

Well wait. That’s a lie, too. I actually do (attempt to) hide all my crazy/weird/ socially unacceptable from the world/society/white dude who I thought was hitting on me but was actually talking to the hotter chick next to me.

Which means, I am a shit ton crazier than you have already assumed… and I just blew your mind….and just blew my chance with ninja mike. God damnit.

“Wait…what type of crazier/more disgusting/socially unacceptable things do you hide from us, pretty lady who is just a literary savant when given a pen an pad, but sounds slightly LD in person?”

Hmmm. Well that is a great question, person who just accidently found this blog by a porno typo via Google. That is a great question.

Number 1. Porn…while yes I have confessed that I do like porn. I have never said which type….and I never will. You are now thinking of the most grotesque porn clip you ever seen. “Does she like that?!” Maybe I do…maybe I do. Or not. You sick fuck. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Number 2. Sexual Fantasies. Even I’m a little appalled out by this tidbit of my life….and you are probably still lingering on the previous porn clip…god damn you are disgusting…now do you see why I hide this shit?

Number 3. Common Sense. I have none. Just ask my roommate. He’s about to kill me. “Wait Matt…how does a light-switch work again?”

Number 4. Secret musical pleasures. Have you ever heard the easy vibrations of the Bee Gees? Or KC and the Sunshine band? Fuck. Neither have I…hahahaha…I’m just kidding…whatever. Fuck you. Just don’t look at my Top 25 most played, and no one gets hurt, bitch.

Number 5. What orifice have I not stuck a finger into? That is a good question….

Number 6. How much time I actually spend on facebook….

Number 7. How much time I actually spend eating….

Number 8. Every time I see a person. I ask myself… A. Have they had sex yet? B. Would they have sex with me? C. What position would we do? It only takes a couple of seconds... but if I have met you in person before, I have thought this.

Number 9. My unprecedented sexual love for Jim Gaffigan…if he would just fucking leave his wife already. BIPPITY BOPPITY BACON!

Number 10. No pants Tuesday type of day is actually…no pants “whenever my roommate is not home” type of day.

my first vlog...

mother fuckers!

Day one in nyc...

1.     Found a mouse in my kitchen…he’s brown…I named him Fernando and shall feed him cheese and mayo…and tiny bottle caps filled with Patron…and once he gets big enough I shall enter him into the underground “apartment-mouse fighting championship”…and he will win…and then… I will eat him.

2.     Woke up before Matt (my roommate) so I could stink up the bathroom before him.

3.     Forgot to put on deodorant.

4.     Counted the white people outside my apartment.

5.     Tried to set up the DVD player to watch “Mean Girls”

6.     Yelled at Matt (my roommate) to help me set up the DVD player… “I have a vagina…I can’t do this shit!”

7.     Ate Chinese food while Matt (my roommate) attempted to set up the DVD player.

8.     Laughed at Matt (my roommate) when he couldn’t figure out how to set up the DVD player.

9.     Watched “Mean Girls”.

10. Watched Matt (my roommate) scream like a prepubescent child as he saw the mouse run behind his bed.

11. Tried to figure out why my room smells like weed.

12. Put my rosaries next to my pack of condoms…I dunno, just felt right.

13. Found my old stash of weed packed next to my holy water…I dunno, just felt right.

14. Watched “Forrest Gump”…Telemundo style.

15. Killed Fernando.

16. Cried about killing Fernando.

17. Ate Ramen.

18. Ate more Ramen.  

well fuck a duck...

I think we can all say there are moments in our lives that... for a lack of better words...freak us the fuck out.

I am in one of those "said" moments...and um...I'm freaking the fuck out.

It's a very surreal moment when the present is laid out in front of you...especially when you have a nasty habit of focusing soley on the future. I want nothing more than to one day make millions laugh based soley on my utter idiocracy...and love for mayo.

But I'm only 22...I have a long way to go...it took Steve Martin over 20 years to become who he is today...what makes me think I possess any hint of talent that could one day forge my way into the rankings of the comedic elite?

I hope I stay weird. I hope I stay awkward. I hope I have a lot of (protected) sex.

But in the end of the day...I just hope I go for it.

I have been in love with comedy since I was eight (and fat). I have been in love with SNL since my mom handed me Gilda Radner's biography in grammar school (and also fatter). I have been entranced by how the pure awkwardness of reality is what makes truly makes the world laugh since my conception (and also probably fat then too).

"Um, birth control and a condom...and you're still here."

I will always look back at my fat days with such fondness, because it exposed me to such comedic genuis and for that I will always be grateful.

This is what I want to do. And the more I write, the calmer I get. Whether I fail or not, I just want to know that I tried.

...and if I really get desperate I can just give myself a camel toe on stage to get a laugh.

packing is a bitch...

And I have way too much shit…and way too much shit I am unwilling to part with…like…


1. My “I heart my penis” car air freshener.

2. Watch of Hoe Chi Min…or whatever the fuck that asian dudes name is…

3. “Medicated but Motivated” flask.

4. Disco ball.

5. Comedy writing book collection.

6. Whoopie Cushion.

7. “All Dogs Go to Heaven” DVD.

8. My german beer-girl Halloween costume.

9. Black pleather leggings.

10. Two rubber chickens.

11. Some random blue elephant necklace I’ve never worn.

12. This asian trinket box that has two people doing it when you open the box.

13. A crap ton of composition books filled with terrible jokes that I swear one day will make me famous I tell you!

14. Spongebob Squarepants stuffy.

15. A carton of Hellman’s mayo.

16. My funnynotslutty.com stickers…which I plan plastering on every subway possible.

17. Orange nail polish.

18. Your mom.

my life a joke...

My life is a joke.


I will never be able to say that enough….yet here I sit… utterly exhausted from work/packing up 22 years of my life/popping stress zits…trying to will my way through writing this post without falling asleep. I also may be drunk…I don’t know…I don’t know.

So what do I have to say to you all? What is worth sharing to hundreds of readers?

Today I had a wedgie.

Yes…I’m five…whatever…wedgies fucking exist.

Anywho.

Today I had a wedgie. And it just wouldn’t fucking go away. Usually I go commando at work…cause “free balling” is my personal philosophy. However, today I felt like being a little more professional. So I put on undies.

Hence, the wedge of cotton…shoved strategically up my ass.

That was my first mistake.

Underwear is the bane of existence. I’m pretty sure God did not say… “and on the 8th day…after I rest and shit…I’m going to give you pure cotton/silk/edible under garments to be fashioned to never fit just quite right on your upper left butt cheek…you know the one with the random freckle…yeah that butt cheek…deal with it. Asshole.”

…yeah…way to be a dick, metaphorical Jesus.

It would also help, metaphorical Jesus…cause obviously this story is all you fucking fault….that maybe…just maybe…next time you can make sure I don’t put my boyshorts on backwards.

Maybe say something like… “oh hey awesome lady…I know you’re super tired from work and shit…and maybe from that pound of cake you ate last night…but you should totally look down right now…as you put on undies…which btw don’t you like never wear undies? Are you trying to impress that one dude again? Cause you kind of look like a lesbian right now…sorry…I’m Jesus…I cannot tell a lie. I know. I know. Abe Lincoln said that. Well you know what. That bitch stole that line from me….what a fucking prick…and you’ve just put your undies on backwards…seriously how can you not tell right now. Victoria has got a secret…and it’s shoved up your ass right about now.”

I don’t know if you know this Jesus…but I’m kind of a big deal. So COME ON! Let’s not make me look super retarded…and allow me the option of not putting my underwear on the wrong fucking way! This is all your fault Jesus.

Oh yes. All knowing. And all powerful, Jesus. Next time. Put my underwear on correctly!

God damnit.

holy shit...

Sorry for the delay...but I've been getting shit done, yo. So I'll just come out and say it...I'm moving to manhattan...in less than a month.

Um. Fuck yeah. About fucking time I got back up there.

I'm going to be living above a funeral home...like seriously...I can't make this shit up. In less than a month I will totally be "My Girl"ing the shit up in nyc...

Any who...bare with me for a hot sec, as I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off for a couple of weeks...getting more shit done.

Also...find me a job.