Dear Rachel Sext,
Can we talk? I’m confused by your commercial, it may be your constant screaming or your beige bath towel convienently covering your devil parts. Either way I’m confused.
It’s not really the sexting I’m confused about. We get it, sexting is bad. Sexting could ruin your professional life. Sexting could lead to millions poking fun at your misppaportionate boobies and/or penis.
I know this cause I’m the jackass at the party that hurls their cell-phone in the air everyone screaming, “Look at this guy’s penis…you know him…you know him!!!”
But hey, at least I delete the next day. I think my parents would find it quite odd if they stumbled upon my cell phone penis picture collection. Not that I have one… and not like my parents have any place to judge…gosh.
My real question is why are your teeth so sweaty? No seriously, your two front teeth are sweaty. I’ve never seen anything like that….ever.
Of course your hair would look like shit…you just had sex.
And of course your body would ooze weird incriments onto a bath towel….you just had sex.
But your teeth? ¿por qué? Rachel? ¿por qué?
Is that physicially possible? Or is this just MTV trying to work their used up “we can influence millions” magic once again?
Like come on, MTV can you just start playing music videos again? I’m so sick of this “above the influence” shit. Is that even MTV? I don’t care it’s bullshit anyways. And who could forget the STD’s are bad PSAs and especially “You should the have sex with the cast members of the Jersey Shore or hit Snooki in the face” PSA? I can’t, that’s who.
I’m sorry Rachel to be taking this out on you, but please go brush your teeth. You’re disgusting to look at, let alone have sex with.
And if it’s this bad on televsion…I don’t even want to know what the sext looked like.
Not my usual type of post...but what the?!?!
Um, what the fuck? Those are real squirrels...well, really dead squirrels. Their cost is a modest $765 and quite honestly, if I'm paying a months worth of rent for a dead animal beer canteen, I want something a little less white trash. Like a bald eagle, or Paris Hilton.I don't care for the old...
I don’t care for the old. They are too stuck in their ways.
“Back in my day, if a boy liked you they took you on a walk.”
“Back in my day, milk cost one whole penny.”
Yeah, well back in your day, Grandpa, you thought 2010 was going to be like The Jetsons, so shut the fuck up.
But the old never want shut up and there seems to be a ruckus, once again, amidst the old of Montana.
The state of Montana is trying to pass a new sex Ed proposal which will teacher children as young as 5 the correct terminology, such as penis, vagina, etc. and teach high-schoolers about different types of sexual “penetration.”
Well you know what, old people of Montana, kids need to be told the truth, I’m sick of this lying. It only creates more whores. Why have you not figured out this pattern, old people? Lies = Whores.
And when I have kids, I don’t want their hairy asses coming to me about sex questions. That’s your job public schools of America. This hooker of a mother (in years to come), didn’t sign up to be a teacher, you did.
Too many times we have seen these scenarios happen:
Too mature for his age elementary boy: “When does the party end down there, Ms. Teacher-Lady-Ma’am?”
School’s answer: “There is no “party down there.”
Correct answer: “That is your penis and never.”
6th grade girl with no personality but big boobs: “My boobs are huge yet every boy hates me, why Ms. Teacher-Lady-Ma’am?”
School’s Answer: “Well you are just an early bloomer, your time will come.”
Correct answer: “That’s because you wear scary amounts of blue-sparkly eye-shadow and no one will ever love you. Ever.”
Sexually active liberal hippie douche:” Why do Quaaludes make me so tired after sex, Ms. Teacher-Lady-Ma’am?”
School’s Answer: “Because they are illegal and you are going to jail now, Timmy.”
Correct Answer: “Because you’re a pussy.”
This sexual education needs to happen old people, or some weird shit could happen, like bestiality.
“Mom, what’s sex?”
“Well, sex is when two people love each other and touch each other a very special way.”
“Well I love my dog, and when I pet him, I’m touching him in a special way, so am I sexing him?”
Pause.
“Yes. Yes you are.”
You bastards. Do you think those animals are ready for that shit? How could you be so selfish? Fine, I get it; you didn’t want your 15 year-old daughters getting pregnant. But did you have to throw the animals under the bus. Couldn’t you have just bought her a 3-pack of Trojans? Or 20-pack if she’s a whore.
Yes, I said it. Your daughter is a whore. And you can’t get mad at the truth.
God damn old people.
You guys are just too expensive
With all this talk of a second recession looming in the future, I’ve come to realize that I need to start cutting things out my daily life style.
The first thing to go: friends.
Sorry guys, but friendship is an insufficient use of time and you bastards are costing me a shit ton of money.
Even my porn is free, yet you all seem appalled when I ask you to pay for my male prostitutes? Honestly guys, that’s just common decency.
I blame Judaism. Not that I am Jewish or anything, but the Jews seem like a good scapegoat when it comes to anything money related.
I mean, don’t take it personally, but unless you are willing to pay for my drinks, food, gas, prostitutes, adult videos, drugs and cell phone bill, I don’t think I’m getting as much out of this friendship as I am entitled too.
I know you think you’re cool, and maybe you are, but you’re still not 5 cents text worthy cool.
Or, “I’m not paying for your god damn drinks, Natalie,” cool.
And definitely not , “Get your fucking, Mexican slice of heaven, male hooker out of my fucking room, Natalie,” cool.
Poppycock!
You made me choose, my friends, and my, friends I chose Jorge, my Mexican slice of heaven..
And seeing as there is no fall back plan, this better work. I don’t want to be a hooker.
Birth Control, why are you trying to kill me?
Birth control scares the shit out of me and I mean really scares the shit out of me. I pretty much think it’s going to trick me into thinking I’m not pregnant and then 10 months later I’m watching the premier episode of me, on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” That, or it’s just going to kill me.
We’ve all seen those commercials:
“Have you taken Yaz?”
“Yes…”
“Did you die?”
“No…wait…what the?!”
Now, I’ve never used the pill and I never will, because yes, I think it’s going to kill me. So instead, I use condoms, but those are only 99.99% effective. So, um fuck.
Of course any time I have protected sex, I think I’m pregnant, and my period is so fucked up to begin with, it’s impossible to track.
So instead of being smart and calming the fuck down, I just get on webmd.com and cry myself to sleep because webmd.com says I’m either pregnant or I have a brain tumor that about to explode out of my left earlobe, and at this point of my hysteria, I’ll take the brain tumor.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pro-life, well technically, I’m pro-my life, and a baby would just really mess that up right now.
My friends have even offered to take care of my potential “love mistakes”, and probably only because they know I’m retarded and that I’m not pregnant.
So what needs to be done? Well I should probably just smarten up and realize most birth control isn’t secretly plotting to destroy my future. Or maybe I should stop being a whore. But until that I guess I should just get ready from my television debut…
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