But holy shit are these guys so underrated...and all ridiculously bone-able.
it's just a travesty really...
Sometimes I feel like we are losing a culture. I don’t know if it is just because I’m getting older…or if it’s only because I’m finally starting to feel the beer. But I stand by my statement, however…let me make it sound a little more ominous….
Our culture is dying.
We are surrounded by these Dora the Explorererers and I-Carlyerers and they just don’t know what good TV really fucking is. I say “Salute Your Shorts”…and these bitches look at me like a leper.
Fuck off. Dora. Fuck off….and your trashy cousin too. No one is impressed by all these animals you save and shit. And that Boots bitch is about to cut your ass.
You’ve been warned, Dora….you goddamn whore.
It’s just sad man. An atrocity. Fucking mind blowing. These shows I watched fucking shaped who I am now today…well that and being fat…and watching 7 reruns a day of SNL during my summer vacations…while eating 4 chicken burritos…and 2 corndogs a day….I don’t want to talk about it.
Corndogs are a gateway drug…to be perfectly honest. Did I mention I used to be fat? Like my parents had to lie to me to not ruin my adolescent self-esteem…which is still dwindling btw.
Any who…I will never forget getting into a scream-fest with my mother at the mere age of eight because all the kids on Hey Arnold got to roam the streets of NYC and they were only nine…so why the fucking fuck could I not ride my bike down my fucking street?!
…it’s still a sore subject.
But this shit shapes us…influences us…forces us to see why we are so obviously smarter than our elders.
What are these kids going to be like when they are older? Bitches and dicks? It’s all those flashing lights, fucks with your mind.
So thank you, Yo Gabba Gabba, for ruining all of our lives. With all those bright lights and glitter…and I don’t even want to talk about how that freaky green thing dances better than me.
But I do honestly believe that these shows will have an influence on the younger generation…which Pete and Pete so obviously did on me.
These kids will be our future politicians/engineers/NASA and shit people…do you really think you’ll be able to sleep at night when you find out that the President elect in 2036 favorite show was I-Carly?
…yeah.
Welcome to the Apocalypse.
Our culture is dying.
We are surrounded by these Dora the Explorererers and I-Carlyerers and they just don’t know what good TV really fucking is. I say “Salute Your Shorts”…and these bitches look at me like a leper.
Fuck off. Dora. Fuck off….and your trashy cousin too. No one is impressed by all these animals you save and shit. And that Boots bitch is about to cut your ass.
You’ve been warned, Dora….you goddamn whore.
It’s just sad man. An atrocity. Fucking mind blowing. These shows I watched fucking shaped who I am now today…well that and being fat…and watching 7 reruns a day of SNL during my summer vacations…while eating 4 chicken burritos…and 2 corndogs a day….I don’t want to talk about it.
Corndogs are a gateway drug…to be perfectly honest. Did I mention I used to be fat? Like my parents had to lie to me to not ruin my adolescent self-esteem…which is still dwindling btw.
Any who…I will never forget getting into a scream-fest with my mother at the mere age of eight because all the kids on Hey Arnold got to roam the streets of NYC and they were only nine…so why the fucking fuck could I not ride my bike down my fucking street?!
…it’s still a sore subject.
But this shit shapes us…influences us…forces us to see why we are so obviously smarter than our elders.
What are these kids going to be like when they are older? Bitches and dicks? It’s all those flashing lights, fucks with your mind.
So thank you, Yo Gabba Gabba, for ruining all of our lives. With all those bright lights and glitter…and I don’t even want to talk about how that freaky green thing dances better than me.
But I do honestly believe that these shows will have an influence on the younger generation…which Pete and Pete so obviously did on me.
These kids will be our future politicians/engineers/NASA and shit people…do you really think you’ll be able to sleep at night when you find out that the President elect in 2036 favorite show was I-Carly?
…yeah.
Welcome to the Apocalypse.
oh...i'm pretty sure everyone will agree
It’s so hard to know what’s kosher to say with this generation, what with the P.C. police acting like the S.S. nowadays.
And I think the world would be a better place if we would just admit that we all are a little racist.
Every time a W.A.S.P. whispers, “I don’t see color” an angel dies.
Seriously, it’s true. Just like when it thunders angels are bowling and when there is a sun shower the devil is beating his wife. This is how science works, bitches.
Can we just all agree that we all giggle at a good black joke? Or that it warms our hearts when we see the old Asian lady back her car into a ditch? Or that Dave Chappelle’s impression of a white guy is fucking spot on?!
I’m sorry, but you politically correct people can get off your fucking high horse and kiss my fucking ass.
And I don’t care if you think I’m a racist, as long as you think I’m hot.
But the best part of this whole politically correct era is the people that are truly offended are the “Caucasians”…and first off, what the fuck are Caucasians? Seriously, what are they? Where is this elusive Caucasia? I heard it’s next to GAP, but that might just be a rumor.
Placing me within a certain group of people just because I have no pigment in my skin, well….that’s just racist. And I won’t fucking stand for it.
I like to believe that politically correct people lack acceptable personalities, have mediocre sex at best and smell like self defeat and L.L. Bean….
It’s really the only way I can really feel better about my offensive self, but fuck it, I’m not changing shit.
Deal with it.
And I think the world would be a better place if we would just admit that we all are a little racist.
Every time a W.A.S.P. whispers, “I don’t see color” an angel dies.
Seriously, it’s true. Just like when it thunders angels are bowling and when there is a sun shower the devil is beating his wife. This is how science works, bitches.
Can we just all agree that we all giggle at a good black joke? Or that it warms our hearts when we see the old Asian lady back her car into a ditch? Or that Dave Chappelle’s impression of a white guy is fucking spot on?!
I’m sorry, but you politically correct people can get off your fucking high horse and kiss my fucking ass.
And I don’t care if you think I’m a racist, as long as you think I’m hot.
But the best part of this whole politically correct era is the people that are truly offended are the “Caucasians”…and first off, what the fuck are Caucasians? Seriously, what are they? Where is this elusive Caucasia? I heard it’s next to GAP, but that might just be a rumor.
Placing me within a certain group of people just because I have no pigment in my skin, well….that’s just racist. And I won’t fucking stand for it.
I like to believe that politically correct people lack acceptable personalities, have mediocre sex at best and smell like self defeat and L.L. Bean….
It’s really the only way I can really feel better about my offensive self, but fuck it, I’m not changing shit.
Deal with it.
Another issue to add to the list...
Now I’m probably completely off base when I say this…but then again when do I not say shit where I’m obviously wrong and off base……exactly.
That being said. I honestly feel like there are only two types of people when it comes to relationships. There are the people that can’t not not be in a relationship…and then there are the ones who just simply can’t be in a relationship.
I fall into the latter. And I am completely aware that this is unhealthy. Unhealthy in the sense that I cannot comprehend intimacy. I even hate looking at that word…saying it…prounouncing it correctly without gagging.
…intimacy…what a douche.
However…the other group isn’t that great either. I like to think that where I (and the fellow intimacy haters) lack intimacy…we gain a shit ton of independence…and vice versa. Meaning where I seem unable to learn how to function normally with someone else…and be happy. The others have no clue how to be by themselves…and be happy.
Both situations suck to be perfectly honest. While I love my independence and the drive it has given me to follow my dreams…I do wonder about myself in the future love department.
I like me. I’m pretty cool. I’ve heard I’m decently funny (when I’m drunk). But will I always like myself better than every guy I ever I’m with?
Will I ever actually “love” someone? Just writing that made me cringe.
Oh…I’m smart too. I know exactly what I’m doing. I always pick guys that I know it will NEVER NEVER work out with. You know…jackasses…pricks…dicks…ridicously hot, yet ridicously dumb guys…drummers.
I do know I’m going to get divorced in the future. That’s a given. I’m too stuck in my ways. I want, what I want, when I want it….I don’t feel like that personal philosophy is changing any time soon.
I’m also terrible at “sacrificing” in relationships. Once I feel like my objectives for my future are being compromised because of some dude I probably won’t give a fuck about in 3 months...and the sex isn’t that great… I’m outie.
To me love comes with a shit ton of strings. And let’s be honest with ourselves…I’m not wrong. Sometimes love means giving up your dreams (especially for women) and that’s fine…if you’re okay with that.
I’m not.
I guess what I really want to know if there is a middle ground. Is it possible to be happy and in love and follow your dreams? And is this just a girl thing? Or do guys have to deal with this too.
If not…you guys fucking suck.
That being said. I honestly feel like there are only two types of people when it comes to relationships. There are the people that can’t not not be in a relationship…and then there are the ones who just simply can’t be in a relationship.
I fall into the latter. And I am completely aware that this is unhealthy. Unhealthy in the sense that I cannot comprehend intimacy. I even hate looking at that word…saying it…prounouncing it correctly without gagging.
…intimacy…what a douche.
However…the other group isn’t that great either. I like to think that where I (and the fellow intimacy haters) lack intimacy…we gain a shit ton of independence…and vice versa. Meaning where I seem unable to learn how to function normally with someone else…and be happy. The others have no clue how to be by themselves…and be happy.
Both situations suck to be perfectly honest. While I love my independence and the drive it has given me to follow my dreams…I do wonder about myself in the future love department.
I like me. I’m pretty cool. I’ve heard I’m decently funny (when I’m drunk). But will I always like myself better than every guy I ever I’m with?
Will I ever actually “love” someone? Just writing that made me cringe.
Oh…I’m smart too. I know exactly what I’m doing. I always pick guys that I know it will NEVER NEVER work out with. You know…jackasses…pricks…dicks…ridicously hot, yet ridicously dumb guys…drummers.
I do know I’m going to get divorced in the future. That’s a given. I’m too stuck in my ways. I want, what I want, when I want it….I don’t feel like that personal philosophy is changing any time soon.
I’m also terrible at “sacrificing” in relationships. Once I feel like my objectives for my future are being compromised because of some dude I probably won’t give a fuck about in 3 months...and the sex isn’t that great… I’m outie.
To me love comes with a shit ton of strings. And let’s be honest with ourselves…I’m not wrong. Sometimes love means giving up your dreams (especially for women) and that’s fine…if you’re okay with that.
I’m not.
I guess what I really want to know if there is a middle ground. Is it possible to be happy and in love and follow your dreams? And is this just a girl thing? Or do guys have to deal with this too.
If not…you guys fucking suck.
STD
I'm proud to present my best friend and future roommate, MATT!!! With a story entitled: STD.
Enjoy....and don't forget to check him out at www.mylifeislame.com
“Matthew,” a nurse yells.
I jump up and follow her into a maze that eventually leads me to a dead end inside of a cold white room with a red slab in the center. I’m told to sit on the slab. The nurse leaves and moments later an older woman who looks like she could be in her eighties enters the room supporting my grandmother’s short gray curly hair and her sweet but tired eyes. My grandmother was about to check me for STDs. Great. She introduces herself and her voice sounds like a dogs chew toy. This is all I can think about until she finally reaches the nitty gritty questions.
“What are you here to be tested for?” She asks.
“Chlamydia.”
“We can go a head and test you for a couple others too, it all costs the same.”
“Okay.”
“Alright. You have two options.” Options? “For $45,” that’s a lot, I need to get beer. “You can pee in a cup.”
“Or for $15,” that’s cheap, “I’ll milk your penis.” What? “Until it comes up.” Until it does what? “And then I’ll take a cue tip,” a cue tip? “And do a quick little swab inside the tip of your penis.” I grip the slab and die a little inside.
“I’ll pee in a cup,” I whimper
“Are you sure?”
“Yup.”
“But that’s 30 more dollars.”
“Yea, I’m gonna pee in a cup.”
“Okay. I will take you to a room and give you a cup. You’ll place it in a little box in the room. Then in about a week the doctor will call you and tell you the results.”
“Easy enough.”
and I'm back.
So before I make any jokes about the “bonnarooers”… I’m not going to lie…bonnaroo was fucking epic. None of this auto-tune bullshit. It’s just real musicians who love what they do and sound amazing doing it.
Who did I see, you ask?
Arcade Fire
Who did I see, you ask?
Arcade Fire
The Black Keys
Eminem
Mumford and Sons
Florence and the Machine
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
Lewis Black, Eugine Mirman and Ted Alexander
Beirut
Iron and Wine
Amos Lee
Freelance Whales
Atmosphere
…just to name a few.
Now on to the jokes…or should I say…shit that pissed me off at bonnaroo.
1. Chicks that feel the need to walk around topless.
Why? No one else is doing it. We aren’t at some nude beach…we are jam packed in a 700 acre far…I really don’t want you to accidently boob check me with your actual boob. Also your tits are small…no one wants to see them anyways. And furthermore walking without a bra fucking hurts. God damn feminists.
2. Dude “painting” the sky.
Fuck you. it’s legitimately 100 degrees outside…and you’re going to pull out a ladder…and a can of blue paint…in fucking overalls…and paint the fucking sky?!?! God damn liberal hippie douches.
3. Bandanas.
Oh come on!
4. Girls that look better in a bikini than me.
Fuck off.
5. Dudes that look better in a bikini than me.
Fuck off.
6. Bonnaroo’s comedy tent.
If you haven’t noticed I’m obsessed with comedy. And the comedians coming to the festival was a major selling point for me, Bonnaroo. So um…don’t sell 85,000 tickets and only make your comedy tent able to fit 600 people.
7. Not being able to see my idol, Kathleen Madigan, perform.
I’m still crying on the inside.
8. 106 Heat Index.
Stop being a whore, mother nature.
9. Having to throw away my fucking Powerades at the security check point.
That was total bullshit….oh I’m sorry… if you haven’t noticed…it’s fucking hot as shit outside…and I would like to be able to keep my body fully hydrated…if that’s okay with you….asshole.
10. Being covered in mud for 4 days.
It’s not a good look for me.
so I'm going to mia for a hot sec.
Why you ask? CAUSE I'M GOING TO FUCKING BONNAROO.
But don't you worry, little ducklings...I will be bringing my notebook...and I'm pretty sure me surrounded around 80,000 liberal hippie douches, is going to be great fodder for this little blog of mine.
Toodles!
But don't you worry, little ducklings...I will be bringing my notebook...and I'm pretty sure me surrounded around 80,000 liberal hippie douches, is going to be great fodder for this little blog of mine.
Toodles!
your eyes say it all...
You’ve been given many “looks” over the years, haven’t you? Some good; some bad; some made you cry in the corner of your bathtub (gentlemen), but the truth is, that’s life.
We all get those looks from friends/strangers/DMV workers, so to make you feel a little less repulsed about yourself, I have compiled a list of looks I’ve been given over the decades:
1. “I’ve seen you naked” look.
2. “I’m not impressed at what I’m looking at while you stand in front of me naked” look.
3. “I’m pretending I don’t remember you vomiting at that party the other night” look.
4. “I know you just pooped” look.
5. “You’re the whore who had sex with my friend on the stairs” look.
6. “I bet you have no standards” look.
7. “I just saw you order seven quesadillas from Taco Bell” look.
8. I just saw you order seven quesadillas from Taco Bell and pay with change” look.
9. “I’m sexually repulsed by the thought of you” look.
10. “You’re hot” look. (Side note: This is only from Mexican construction workers.)
11. “You don’t know how to read, do you?” look.
12. “I bet you like fat guys” look.
13. “I just saw you vomit outside of a taxicab” look.
14. “You vomit a lot” look.
15. “I’m pretty sure there is a hell and I’m pretty sure you’re going” look.
16. “You’re antics are a drain on society” look.
17. “You going to Catholic school explains a lot” look.
18. “You think Candy land is a real country, don’t you?” look.
19. “I just watched you pop a zit in public” look.
20. “I’m still watching you pop a zit in public” look.
21. “Did you just tell that man to put 5 scoops of mayo on your sandwich?” look.
22. “Are you still talking?” look.
23. “You just said Danny Glover was your original fuck” look.
24. “You’re just pretending to understand science, aren’t you” look.
25. “You just ate something that fell on the ground” look.
26. “Why are you buying a 20-pack of condoms, toothpaste and a hot-pocket all at the same time?” look.
Quickest ways to get me to automatically hate you (especially if you’re a dude).
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