JMU made me a very cynical person and honestly, I couldn’t be happier with that fact. The amount of respect you get for being the bitch who says what everyone else is thinking, is well, priceless.
But to get where I am today took a couple of years. It took years of just watching these girls, no these women, who at first I thought were just a little desperate and naïve. Turns out, they were just stupid.
If you went to JMU then you know the JMU Syndrome. There are two types of this syndrome: the male version and the female version.
The male version is quite simple. One semester at JMU and all of a sudden these men think they can drink anyone under the table, fuck any girl they want and never have to get use condoms because their penises are immune to any type of STD.
When in reality, most of them are light-weights, who piss on themselves “accidently” and are so drunk that they can’t really tell if the “girl” that is hitting on them is, in fact, actually a girl in a beige trench-coatlike dress, or in actuality is Inspector Gadget, but is willing to take the chance.
The female version is a little harder to watch. Most of the girls were at some point smart in their earlier years, but realized quickly that the men at JMU like their girls just the same way like their eggs: over-easy. You know those girls too; their fave song comes on at a party, most likely of the Beiber genre, there hands go up and it’s done, someone is getting blown in a 100 meter radius.
Now as a female graduate from this party school, I will be there first to say that yes this is a generalization, and that yes of course there are plenty of men and women at that school who are smart and hilarious and cool. And if I’m your friend then I probably don’t think you are a douche or a whore.
But let’s be honest, stereotypes start with a grain of truth, and the amount of ridiculously stupid and whorey girls at JMU is appalling. And I’m mostly likely going to make fun of you behind your back and to your face, because you probably won’t get the joke anyways.
Guys shouldn't get everything
Once again, boys have been given everything. Not only do they have penises and better porn, they now can add “Bros Icing Bros” to the list of everything a girl really wants in life.
If you are stupid and unfamiliar with this beautiful game, it’s pretty simple. Bro 1 gives Bro 2 the girliest drink possible, a warm, diabetes ridden, Smirnoff Ice. Bro 2 must then get into pussy position (drop to one knee) and chug. However, if Bro 2 has an Ice hidden in his man purse and/or satchel, then Bro 1 must drop to one knee and chug not only one BUT two Ices.
Honestly, it’s genius. It’s riddled with humiliation, name-calling and good-hearted blood alcohol poisoning.
And it’s time for girls to catch up, thus ladies I give you a new game, or one should say, the female counterpart to “Bros Icing Bros.”
Ladies and (Gentlemen if your man enough) I give you: “Hoes Dogging Hoes.” It’s the same exact game as “Bros Icing Bros,” without the Smirnoff. Instead, girls must be presented Mad Dog. Any flavor, any color, any size. My preference being the Bling Bling edition.
So ladies, you know your mission: open your purses, shove as many MDs as you can and start dogging some bitches.
If you are stupid and unfamiliar with this beautiful game, it’s pretty simple. Bro 1 gives Bro 2 the girliest drink possible, a warm, diabetes ridden, Smirnoff Ice. Bro 2 must then get into pussy position (drop to one knee) and chug. However, if Bro 2 has an Ice hidden in his man purse and/or satchel, then Bro 1 must drop to one knee and chug not only one BUT two Ices.
Honestly, it’s genius. It’s riddled with humiliation, name-calling and good-hearted blood alcohol poisoning.
And it’s time for girls to catch up, thus ladies I give you a new game, or one should say, the female counterpart to “Bros Icing Bros.”
Ladies and (Gentlemen if your man enough) I give you: “Hoes Dogging Hoes.” It’s the same exact game as “Bros Icing Bros,” without the Smirnoff. Instead, girls must be presented Mad Dog. Any flavor, any color, any size. My preference being the Bling Bling edition.
So ladies, you know your mission: open your purses, shove as many MDs as you can and start dogging some bitches.
My Worst Nightmare....
Who doesn't want to play with razors and bushy tufts of ginger hair?!
I've already bought 12.
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus...
Then why the fuck do guys love doggy so much?! Alright guys, it’s time to chat. Let’s settle this never ending argument about doggy style.
Now, as far as I’m aware most men love doggy and most girls hate it. Why? The men ask. Is it because it’s not emotional? Is it because girls can’t make love to us with their eyes as I pork them from behind and make awkward grunting sounds? Um, no.
Let’s look at the facts, boys, or really the one and only fact. You are screwing us from the back. And maybe I’m alone on this position, but my ass is not my greatest asset. (Pardon the word choice.) My boobs are. I’m so white I could be an extra on Twilight, so do you think the body part that the sun don’t shine on, is looking hot. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Let’s not forget to add the cottage cheese factor to it, either.
There’s a reason why girls never look at their butts in the mirror. There is a reason we ask our girlfriends how our butts look in new jeans, because we know they will lie! Just like that whore who says she loves doggy, that bitch is lying!
It’s not about some stupid “emotional connection.” Fuck that.
And the greatest argument guys use is “that way I can touch her tits.” (Real quote, I did research for this blog post.) Oh, but wait, you can grab a girls boobs in ANY position. (Well…most.)
Obviously, I’m not a fan. And yes, obviously I will still partake. But let’s get one thing straight, gentlemen, next time you’re porking your lady friend from behind, make sure you don’t stare to closely at the pastey-white cottage cheese jiggling very closely to your man package, because you may lose your cottage cheese all over her back. And that’s just gross.
Now, as far as I’m aware most men love doggy and most girls hate it. Why? The men ask. Is it because it’s not emotional? Is it because girls can’t make love to us with their eyes as I pork them from behind and make awkward grunting sounds? Um, no.
Let’s look at the facts, boys, or really the one and only fact. You are screwing us from the back. And maybe I’m alone on this position, but my ass is not my greatest asset. (Pardon the word choice.) My boobs are. I’m so white I could be an extra on Twilight, so do you think the body part that the sun don’t shine on, is looking hot. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Let’s not forget to add the cottage cheese factor to it, either.
There’s a reason why girls never look at their butts in the mirror. There is a reason we ask our girlfriends how our butts look in new jeans, because we know they will lie! Just like that whore who says she loves doggy, that bitch is lying!
It’s not about some stupid “emotional connection.” Fuck that.
And the greatest argument guys use is “that way I can touch her tits.” (Real quote, I did research for this blog post.) Oh, but wait, you can grab a girls boobs in ANY position. (Well…most.)
Obviously, I’m not a fan. And yes, obviously I will still partake. But let’s get one thing straight, gentlemen, next time you’re porking your lady friend from behind, make sure you don’t stare to closely at the pastey-white cottage cheese jiggling very closely to your man package, because you may lose your cottage cheese all over her back. And that’s just gross.
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