Nothing makes me happier than when a guy says, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”
This phrase has a few hidden meanings:
1. I think you’re hot and I am trying really hard to impress you.
2. I don’t really know how to impress you because you seem like a “different” type of lady.
3. Your face says, “Hey, let’s talk, I won’t judge you…openly.”
4. I don’t know how to get this shit eating grin off of my face, so I’m just going to start blabbing about the most awkward moments of my life to avert your attention slightly away from my “creep” smile.
5. Holy shit, did you just reference “Lost” and “Aliens” in the same fucking sentence?!?
6. And lastly, I really, really, really want to make out with you.
To me, this is quite honestly the most flattering thing a man can say (and do) for me. When a guy says, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” it actually makes me feel special.
Yeah, I’ve bet you’ve opened plenty of doors for ladies in your lifetime, but did you ever tell them about your most awkward sexually experience…in graphic detail…during one of your first real interactions with this lady?
No. No you did not. But you told me.
And side note: Please stop opening doors for me, gentlemen. But like fo’ real. STOP OPENING DOORS FOR ME, GENTLEMEN! I always get stuck in this awkward, “Wait do I go? Or do you go? Or is the door big enough for us to go at the same time? Dammit, the door isn’t big enough for both of us to go at the same time,” moment. Shit’s not pretty.
I think chivalry is great and all, and hopefully not a dying gesture, but chivalry is not what I’m looking for in a man. I’m looking for brutal honesty. About himself, that is.
If you can sit here and tell me everything about yourself, I will openly do the same. And if we are not horrified by one another at the end of all of it, that sex position you always wanted to try, but were too afraid to ask your ex about, might be involved.
Just be real with me, or any lady you are trying to woo. That’s what we really want, and I hope you want the same, too. (Ew. That rhymed.)
So when I’m telling you about my favorite condiment, honestly tell me how disgusted, yet oddly turned on you are right now. Because I’m about to openly tell you that I will not fulfill that “Battlestar Galatica,” sexual fantasy you have, but maybe the “Star Wars” one…maybe.
But seriously, I have no clue where you are going to get a movie quality Jabba the Hut costume at…