All right, Cosmo. You have officially pissed me the fuck off.
I was willing to look past your ridiculous sexual excursions, which usually involve gorilla glue, shoestrings and non-fat cool whip. I was even willing to give bangs a shot again, because of you, even if you did forget to factor in my ridiculous cowlick.
But “25 sexy ways to put on a condom?" Now you’ve gone too far.
I was willing to look past your ridiculous sexual excursions, which usually involve gorilla glue, shoestrings and non-fat cool whip. I was even willing to give bangs a shot again, because of you, even if you did forget to factor in my ridiculous cowlick.
But “25 sexy ways to put on a condom?" Now you’ve gone too far.
“If your foreplay ritual involves standing by as your guy suits up solo, you're both missing out.”
Nope.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
How about, “25 reasons that dick should shut the fuck up and put the fucking condom on himself!”
Or um, how about, “25 reasons this free condom from Planned Parenthood costs a shit ton less than than a baby, so put the fucking condom on!”
Or my personal favorite, “Shut the fucking fuck up! I’m letting you have sex with me so I will put on the condom any way I damn well fucking please!”
Or um, how about, “25 reasons this free condom from Planned Parenthood costs a shit ton less than than a baby, so put the fucking condom on!”
Or my personal favorite, “Shut the fucking fuck up! I’m letting you have sex with me so I will put on the condom any way I damn well fucking please!”
I’m pissed. I’m so sick of Cosmo’s bullllllllllllllllllllllllllshit. Why does EVERYTHING we do have to be sexy now? You know what’s not sexy, Cosmo? Farting. There is your new article, “25 ways to fart…sexily.”
Let’s just start taking every mundane task we can think of, Cosmo, and put “sexily” at the end of the title.
“25 ways to buy tomatoes…sexily.”
“25 ways to pluck your eyebrows teeth…sexily.”
“25 ways to disinfect your retainer…sexily.”
I could go all night, Cosmo! You should hire me as a writer… no, but seriously, you should hire me as a writer…
Any who.
My personal favorite way to “sexily” to put on a condom, you ask? Tip #2: Hands free, i.e. with your mouth. Cause that’s what every lady wants in life, Cosmo. To accidentally choke on a condom during foreplay.
Is this what we’ve become ladies? Is this what we care about? Oh, I’m sorry. Is my non-PMSing feminist rage making you feel uncomfortable? Christ on a cracker!!
Where’s the justice?
You know what Cosmo never tells you about sex from the female perspective? Sometimes I don’t want to do shit, but I still want to get laid. I want you to get on top, do your thing and get me off. Botta bing. Botta boom. I will even a let you say, “Botta bing. Botta boom,” afterward if you allow this to happen.
Cosmo never tells you that. They never tell you how lazy we ladies truly are. And how sometimes we just want you for your penis, not for your “emotional value.” Nope, Cosmo tells you to “sexily” put lube on your lips and then put a fucking condom in your mouth!
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd……rant complete.