About two years ago I graduated from college… and I never thought it would this hard to be separated from my best friend…it’s like a part of my soul is missing…or like… going to make a sandwich only to realize there is no mayo left…only mustard, and then I want to cut the next person I see out of blind rage...yeah... that bad...
We are close…like really really close…we’ve even been likened to Seth and Evan from Superbad and I shit you not people were like… “Wait, what are you going to do without each other.”…. “Can there be one without the other.”… “Natalie? Whose going to spoon feed you mayo when you are too hung over to move?”
And we were all like (in perfect unison)… “Bitches, please…we’ll be fine…”
We weren’t. Well…I wasn’t.
The first month…I couldn’t sleep.
The second month…I started to uncontrollably twitch.
The eighth month you ask? I drank heavily with my mother every night and asked questions like, “ How many sexual partners are too many sexual partners?”
But god when we are together it’s pure assholiness bliss…rolled up into cute little mayo balls and topped off with a cool refreshing budwiser (bud light to be exact).
So Ker Bear, this is pretty much my declaration of love to you because my period is coming and I’m like super duper emotional and I miss you…deal with it.
Remember when we were pissed off at the cunts that ran our apartment complex and we were going to call them and say our apartment was haunted? “Our apartment is haunted mother fuckers….fix it now! Get a priest up in this shit and save our souls!”
Or that one time those two douchebags were hitting on us in their car….and as we were screaming, “Fuck you, assholes!” (Even though they were technically hitting on us….) and they crashed into the car in front of them.
Oh how we laughed and laughed and laughed.
And then there was the time at work when I was like, “I wonder what I feels like to get slapped with a loaf of bread?”
And you said, “Let’s find out.”
And then you slapped me with a loaf of bread.
....I almost pissed my pants at work that day.
We just laughed and laughed and no one at work knew why were laughing as our faces turned purple…ah that was awesome….don’t worry Nick…we used a loaf that was going to be thrown away already.
Oh man and senior year every time I called you right before any of your classes…. “I bought a case, I'm outside in the Trans Am. Skip.”
“Ehhhhhhhhh, I need to go to class.”
Only to have you call me back three minutes later…. “I'm walking out have a beer ready for me in the car.”
Um yeah…let’s do that again, like this week, since you are coming up for Cinco De Mayo....I'll buy a case and we'll just drink in the back of a taxi for an hour... awwwww helllllllllllllll yeah.