In all honesty…I feel like I owe you guys an apology. I haven’t quite exactly been bringing my A game this blog, so to speak.
I’ve sucked…if you catch my drift. And yes, I know you laugh…but is it out of love? Or out of obligation?
…cause if you don’t laugh…I’ll cut you. …I’ll cut you with the same knife I cut my mayo-drenched sandwiches with…now laugh bitches…laugh.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I do all the same rituals…currently I’m half-naked, partially distracted by my boobs (they look sad from this angle….) just consumed a half gallon of mayo (on a sandwich…not by itself…freaks…okay maybe some of it was by itself…whatever, it’s not that weird.), there is a beer in my mouth (Michelob Ultra, mother fuckers) and yet, the magic is just not happening…
And it’s just not fair to you guys. You come back week after week…and for what? Some cheap mayo jokes…some light tom foolery?
Nay, I say! Nay!
You deserve more…you’re better than that. Even, my own mother said the last post sucked…talk about a reality check.
So it’s time for me to get serious…and no, that does not mean I’m getting rid of the mayo jokes…those bitches are staying forever… deal with it...mother.
It’s time to get into blind focus mode (which I must also point out, at this very moment my beer bottle is resting perfectly in between my boobies as I type this… now that’s pure talent right there).
But in all seriousness…I really am serious.
No more of this fucking around, my attention is all yours…I’ve deleted numbers out of my phone…believe me I can spend hours just randomly texting people who feel obligated to respond…it’s a beautiful system really.
…I’ve deactivating my facebook…okay…I’ve sorta deactivated my facebook…they just make it too fucking easy to get back on…god damn you Zuckerberg…god damn you.
I want to focus on you…more specifically I want to focus on you laughing at my embarrassing/awkward/sexually weird antics.
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!
…that being said…my A game is officially broughtededed…now laugh bitches…laugh.