Okay…so I want to preface this post with the fact that yes, I am not the best driver in the world.
And that yes, because I am a girl, when it comes to driving, on a scale of 1 through 10…10 being the highest…I can only score a 5.5…at best.
…6 if I could parallel park… which I can’t…and unless I’m rewarded with mayo packets…I don’t plan on learning…deal with it.
Now…on with the post….
Oh. Dear. God. You Maryland drivers SUCK.
There. I said it. And believe me…I’m not the only one thinking it…in fact there’s probably another 48 states thinking the same exact thing…I’m not letting you vote Jersey…we all hate you, too.
And you can’t even get mad at me cause I’m from Baltimore…Middle River, motherfuckers…and everyday I praise the lord I was not taught to drive in the big M.D.
Let’s say it together Maryland drivers… “turn signals are designed to inform the drivers around you that you are about to turn/merge/politely ask (without being to intrusive) your fellow drivers to allow the adequate amount of space (in this never-ending traffic jam of a hell hole) so you can safely and sufficiently squeeze you unnecessarily douchy McDouchster escalade (which is always being driven some timid woman with the worst mom haircut I’ve seen in ages) into the space in front of me.”
And when you don’t use your turn signal while you are cutting me off…then please by every means take it personally when I tailgate your sorry ass, only to get right beside you, put my window down to flip you off ….or moon you…one the two.
…and yes it is physically possible for me to moon you while I’m driving, way to doubt my integrity, douche.
And yes, I will scream. And yes, you will hear a combination of words that will make you assume I’m a Russian/Asian/ some sort of illegal immigrant….and if it were me…I would go with a combination of all three.
And yes, my face will vaguely resemble that possessed chick from The Exorcist…not that I would know what her face looks like cause I’ll never fucking watch that movie…and if you have watched that movie, you will at one point be possessed by the devil…how do people not understand that?!?
And yes, you will fear me…because I will find you…and you know it…so you’ll shutter every time you see a car with the same color/make/vanilla vomit smell as mine.
…and fuck you for judging the smell of my car…I dropped a slim fast shake in it last week, shit happens, alright?! Is that okay with you, Mr. I don’t use my turn signal but I’m sure as hell going to judge the innards of your car…douche.
And when I find you, I would safely assume that I’m going to throw whatever the fuck is in my passenger seat directly at you… oh, you know…mayo packets…plastic Tupperware…empty slim-fast shakes…a black dildo…and those bitches can do some damage…believe you me.
So all in all…you’ve been warned.