Have you ever been caught popping a zit, mid-pop? Like, anywhere? Work? Class? In front of your boyfriend as he averts his eyes while holding up your make-up mirror right before the trailers start for Hangover III?
I realized the other day -as I popped a zit in front of the children I nanny- I have absolutely no shame when it comes to the act of popping zits. (Whateva, they fart in my face, they can handle a zit popping every once in a while…It’s called unconditional love, judgmental assholes.)
I will pop a zit in front of anyone at any place, but there is something so terrifyingly awful about getting caught in the act mid-zit.
It’s like porn: we all know we partake behind closed doors, but to witness the actual act of someone seeking such pleasure is unsettling, to say the least. Well actually…it’s fucking disgusting. A Boner shrinker. A Mood killer-er. The most disgusting moment you will catch your significant other partaking in-er.
And to be the one caught…Well. Fuck. Your. Life.
“Ehh. Oh…God damnit…This isn’t what it looks like. Please don’t think of me as a lesser person….Please keep having sex with me…I like you…”
But why? Why is this such a traumatic event for every party involved? Is it because popping a zit truly is one of the most intimate things one can do to their own body? To actively choose to squish out white (ish) excrement’s from one’s self? And why do I care so much?
I know the majority of you reading this are gagging in your chairs, but COME ON! We alllllllll do it.
So stop acting all above it and shit. When you gotta pop. You gotta pop. There’s nothing wrong with that. You aren’t a sick fuck for wanting to rid that horridly huge whitehead from yo face. You’re human.
But we do this to one another everyday. We unfairly judge each other for things we all inherently have no control over.
I wholeheartedly believe that we are born with the undying need to pop zits. It’s called survival of the fittest. You either pop a zit or you die.
So next time you see me popping a zit, don’t shrivel up in disgust while dry-heaving, it only shows the world how weak of a person you are. And remember the more you pop, the more you succeed.
Same thing goes for pooping….ladies.