I’m not going to lie, I’m a huge hypochondriac. And by hypochondriac I just mean that I constantly think I’m pregnant, like all the time.
I fully believe that pregnancy is a disease. A disease I never want my body subjected too…like, ever.
Side note: Ladies (and maybe a few gentlemen?) Have you ever looked at a tampon and said, “Thank
you for doing your job and not being a baby.” Oh, just me?
I might honestly be the only lady that gets ridiculously excited to receive her monthly gift from mother nature.
Whatever…I don’t want a fucking baby! Except, when I see little red baby converse shoes and then my ovaries explode in my jeans. Baby clocks have very messy alarms.
I know these feelings are all because of my age. I’m only 24…(soon to be 25). And I’m definitely not in a place in my life where babies will make life better. If anything it will make life worse. Way worse.
And yes, babies are “its,” and will be “its” in my vernacular for a very long time.
I’m sorry, but babies are conceited assholes. Can we all agree on that? They shit wherever they please, they scream wherever they please, and they know they can get away with it because they are fucking adorable.
Except those few that aren’t adorable, and then you’re all like, “Unadorable baby, who the fuck do you think you are? You’re ugly. Go suck on your toes and shut the fuck up.”
But in all seriousness, pregnancy really does scare the shit out me. Not just because of what it does to your body physically (which is a lot of crazy shit), but the fact alone that you automatically become the sole provider of a living being….that you created. And I am in a point in my life, where that is just not good.
I need a fucking iPhone app to remind me to take my birth control pill on a daily basis, because obviously my staggering fear of becoming pregnant is not enough of an incentive to take my god damn birth control! So what makes society think I will be fit to even remember to feed my child? Or let alone, remember where I left it last?
So, until Apple makes a “Where’s your baby” app. Me and babies just cannot co-exist.
And don’t even get me started about birth control, I’m such a hypocrite, I was just a hater for so long.
“It’s going to kill us all in the end! Just use condoms… Oh wait, but it really does stop babies from being made in my belly? Really? Really, really? Grab me a 13 year supply, and a V8 Fusion please…I don’t like babies being made, or tasting vegetables.”
Annnnnnnddddd I think I just sealed my spot in hell.