Me: Oh dear god…I never want kids.
Mom: No you’ve got to pop out at least one so you don’t get breast cancer.
“I wonder what would happen if I farted into my i-phone’s voice recognition.”
Mom: Your father and I are apart of the NPL.
Me: What the fuck is that?
Mom: National porn league.
“I’m a fan of doggy.”
“You want to know the secret to a successful marriage? Beer.”
“You better get famous, I want to walk around naked in your house in the Hamptons and walk in on you and your husband doing it… and be like ‘yeah this is awkward isn’t it’…next time knock!”
“I don’t get your generation’s fixation on giving head…just have sex.”
Me: So I think this lesbian likes me…
Mom: Alright, this is what you do…you just start talking about how you want to fuck the shit out of this dude….and get graphic.
“Are you a lesbian?”
“Birth control and a condom….and you’re still here.”
“No seriously…do you like girls?”