I'm proud to present my best friend and future roommate, MATT!!! With a story entitled: STD.
Enjoy....and don't forget to check him out at www.mylifeislame.com
“Matthew,” a nurse yells.
I jump up and follow her into a maze that eventually leads me to a dead end inside of a cold white room with a red slab in the center. I’m told to sit on the slab. The nurse leaves and moments later an older woman who looks like she could be in her eighties enters the room supporting my grandmother’s short gray curly hair and her sweet but tired eyes. My grandmother was about to check me for STDs. Great. She introduces herself and her voice sounds like a dogs chew toy. This is all I can think about until she finally reaches the nitty gritty questions.
“What are you here to be tested for?” She asks.
“Chlamydia.”
“We can go a head and test you for a couple others too, it all costs the same.”
“Okay.”
“Alright. You have two options.” Options? “For $45,” that’s a lot, I need to get beer. “You can pee in a cup.”
“Or for $15,” that’s cheap, “I’ll milk your penis.” What? “Until it comes up.” Until it does what? “And then I’ll take a cue tip,” a cue tip? “And do a quick little swab inside the tip of your penis.” I grip the slab and die a little inside.
“I’ll pee in a cup,” I whimper
“Are you sure?”
“Yup.”
“But that’s 30 more dollars.”
“Yea, I’m gonna pee in a cup.”
“Okay. I will take you to a room and give you a cup. You’ll place it in a little box in the room. Then in about a week the doctor will call you and tell you the results.”
“Easy enough.”