I’m a bitch, but whatever it works cause I’m funny. I think. However I have come to realize this bitchiness has sneaked its way into my sexual bedside manners. Not good. No guy wants a saracastic two-thumbs up, during your fake orgasm. Believe, I’ve tried.
So to save you, my 4 readers, from awkward before, during and after sex moments, I have ranked my top five bitchiest moves via sex, that you should never ever do when you are in a loving and sweet relationship… now if it’s just sex and you actually sort of hate the guy, then by all means, go for it.
5. AWKWARD 2 THUMBS UP.
Now, I know some guys think they are the shit in bed and yes, they do need to be knocked down a couple of notches, but this technique is just lazy women, and yes, quite unoriginal. Maybe you did have to get on top when you were a little too drunk and, maybe yes, doggy isn’t your favorite position. But being lazy just makes you look like a bitch. Just throw in a sarcastic, sigh, or a classic “you’re awesome at this…not!’’ Or even a classic, “Really? Really? You think that’s what you should be doing now?”
4. “DID YOU ‘O’?” “YES.” “HOW MANY TIMES?” SILENCE… “SO MANY…”
Okay, now obviously lying works. It really does. It has gotten me so many places. But lying works only when you commit to that lie. Remember what Costanza said, “It’s not a lie, if you believe it.” But when you don’t believe your own lie, you may inadvertently forced your man to stifle back tears as he cries in the back corner of your bathroom.
3. “DID YOU ‘O’”? “YES.” “REALLY?” “NO.”
The truth never makes people happy. It’s a gold mine for broken spirits and battered souls. Can’t take the criticism men, then stick to your hand. No more of this Cosmo, ‘This is how you make your man happy’ shit. We ladies want an orgasm, and if you can’t give it to us. Next please.
2. THE CLASSIC POINT TO THE SKY AND MAKE NO EYE CONTACT.
Is he gross? Does his sex face, look more like a rape face? It’s okay if you answered yes, we’ve all been there. Whatever, goes through a guys mind during sex, is beyond me. How am I supposed to know you like it, if you put a bag over my face? Anyways, this classic move is a win-win. You don’t have to watch the sweat drop from his beat red nose and he doesn’t have to watch you lie to yourself as you try to mak love with your eyes.
1.I’M ON MY PERIOD.
Don’t want to have sex with the guy? Screwing another guy when you get the 3 AM sexual text. Nothing is scarier to a man than blood, let alone blood out of your who-hah. One swift “I’m on my period,” text, and you just bought yourself 5-7 days to think of a new excuse to never have a sexual experience with that man again.