There are few things that I pride myself on, well actually there is only one: the amount of meat I can eat in one sitting.
I eat meat like it’s no one’s business. And I mean that in the most unsexual way possible. If I were speaking with a sexual tone, that “meat eating “ business would have a name and that name would be prostitution/stripping/Brett Farve’s publicist.
Now I know. I know. This is a huge turn-on (the nonsexual meat eating). And yes, the phrase “soul-mate” may be lingering in your mind (Mitchell). And god see me with a tub of mayo and I am irristable. So let me get to the chase.
I’m a disgusting human being. If I wasn’t so gosh darn cute, I’d probably be shunned by society. If you haven’t already guessed, then yes, I am going through a dry spell.
At this point you may be talking out loud to your computer.
“But Natalie, how could this be? Your top three favorite subjects are meat/mayo/masturbation. How does every man not find you sexually appealing and mysterious?”
So true ladies (and the two guys) that read my blog. So true.
However, watch me shovel three pounds of roast beef drenched in a gallon of mayo down my gullet as I dispute the deep philosophies of youporn.com and I’m pretty sure you’ll be holding back vomit, like so many others in my past.
Now many of you may find these revelations repulsive…Mother.
And I don’t know why I feel the need to write about this (blame my writing partner Samuel Adams), yet here I am just typing away, half naked with a beer to my right and a plate of meat to my left. Sadly this is not an exaggeration. And I may be wearing zebra stripped shorts right now…I don’t know. I don’t know.
I feel like many of you can relate. All it takes is one freak, and the rest will follow. I also, think this has something to do with my hatred of stupid girls. They act so prim and perfect and well I all I want to do is wait till they accidently fart in public and then tweet about it for five hours straight.
My feet sweat. Penises used to scare me. I’ve been afraid of vomiting since I was seven. I hear voices in my head, well technically it’s just my own voice but still… I find Louis C.K. sexy, sometimes when my phone vibrates I think I farted. I’ve “accidently” eaten dog food on more than one occasion.
This post was probably more for me than anyone else, but whatever it’s my fucking blog.
Hi, my name is Natalie and I’m a fucking freak.