I-phone you get me and every other (man) whore in the world.

Apple’s I-phone just gets me and my inner whore. Granted I’m still in the “flip-phone” generation…I don’t really want to talk about it. But the day my beautiful lover is in my hands these are the first Apps to be purchased...

69 LITE
....Kama Sutra positions. From oral to exotic, I think get the urgency for this genius, genius app.

iPilule
....always forget your birth contol, men? Always think you might be pregnant? (Welcome to my world) Well this App is for you, you forgetful whore.

iBrate
....sure Apple...sure it's a "neck" massager. That's what we all say.

Your eyes say it all...

You’ve been given many “looks” over the years, haven’t you? Some good; some bad; some made you cry in the corner of your bathtub (gentlemen), but the truth is, that’s life.

We all get those looks from friends/strangers/DMV workers, so to make you feel a little less repulsed about yourself, I have compiled a list of looks I’ve been given over the decades:

1. “I’ve seen you naked” look.
2. “I’m not impressed at what I’m looking at while you stand in front of me” look.
3. “I’m pretending I don’t remember you vomiting at that party the other night” look.
4. “I know you just pooped” look.
5. “You’re the whore who had sex with my friend on the stairs” look.
6. “I bet you have no standards” look.
7. “I just saw you order seven quesadillas from Taco Bell” look.
8. I just saw you order seven quesadillas from Taco Bell and pay with change” look.
9. “I’m sexually repulsed by the thought of you” look.
10. “You’re hot” look. (Side note: This is only from Mexican construction workers.)
11. “You don’t know how to read, do you?” look.
12. “I bet you like fat guys” look.
13. “I just saw you vomit outside of a taxicab” look.
14. “You vomit a lot” look.
15. “I’m pretty sure there is a hell and I’m pretty sure you’re going” look.
16. “You’re antics are a drain on society” look.
17. “You going to Catholic school explains a lot” look.
18. “You think Candy land is a real country, don’t you?” look.
19. “I just watched you pop a zit in public” look.
20. “I’m still watching you pop a zit in public” look.
21. “Did you just tell that man to put 5 scoops of mayo on your sandwich?” look.
22. “Are you still talking?” look.
23. “You just said Danny Glover was your original fuck” look.
24. “You’re just pretending to understand science, aren’t you” look.
25. “You just ate something that fell on the ground” look.
26. “Why are you buying a 20-pack of condoms, toothpaste and a hot-pocket all at the same time?” look.

When yous guys piss me off...

I turn to youtube.com to laugh at all the other jack asses in the world….and if these don’t make you giggle, then seriously…you have no soul.


Jackie and Deborah+ Stephanie Berger
....one guy, 3 girls, and a shit ton of pig nose. Beautiful


Double Rainbow
....everyone loves to laugh at a liberal hippie douche.


The whitest kids you know
....this show is so underrated...and I totally want to bone everyone of these guys, especially the one in the dress


This one never fails to make me giggle…
....yes. that just happened.

Old people...

I was reading an article in the paper the other day about how “millennials” (you) would rather text than talk on the phone, and for some odd reason old bitches best be pisssed.

They think we don’t love them or some crazy shit like that. Well, they’re right. We don’t.

Okay, that was harsh. Maybe its not that we don’t love you, maybe it’s because it’s impossible to vomit and talk on the phone at the same time. Your voice seems to have that affect on me.

It’s not that we don’t love love you; it’s just that we don’t love the sound of you.
You sound like death. Death makes me (and most young people) vomit. (Well a lot of things make me vomit, but death is definitely on the list.)

Look it’s a win-win situation, with texting you get to read the lies of how we love you on your cell-phone, while the angel of death whispers sweet nothings into your good ear.

Or maybe, you selfish geriatrics bastards could just stop complaining, stop getting old and suck it up. Did you ever think about that? Oh, of course not, you just do what you people always do and blame us, the higher beings in the world, the people here to replace your wrinkly asses.

And out of all the people in the world you guys know what its like to work for your patriotic rights. And believe me Susan B. Anthony did not not walk to the back of the bus those 100 years ago just to have your death-like fingers just swipe away our texting- privileges.

Ah, the joy of racism against the old.

You like me, you really like me!

Seeing as I suck @ life, I’ve been given 4 awards this past month from Alexandra @ The Tsaritsa Sez; Heather @ Boyfriend Challenged; Lilly @ Pre-Life Crisis; and Amber @ Anxious Amber, and have yet to return the wealth.

So first things first, I’m supposed to tell you 10 random facts about myself. Is it ten? Or seven? Fuck it; I’m doing ten.

1. My left knee has dislocated on me a million times. If the pain of dislocation is the same as childbirth…well fuck that noise. The first time I can remember it dislocating was when I was five. I just had it checked out a year ago, and supposedly my knee joint is misaligned so now I have to wear a knee brace when I work-out and I can’t do any sports where my knee pivots…not like I did to begin with. I usually wear the knee brace when I go to sleep to, unless I’m obliterated, which, is often.

2. One time this guy was so bad at “going-down” that I faked myself into hyperventilation. Too much shallow breathing, I guess. It got so bad that half my body went numb, and not in the good way. I even had to make him stop, cause the numbness of my arms really started to freak me out. The sex was good though.

3. I’m obsessed with SNL. I have seen every episode since it’s inception. When I was younger my summer vacations were planned around reruns of SNL on comedy central. It played from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. and then from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., and yes, I never missed an episode. I’m notorious amongst my friends for ditching them on Saturday nights when a new season is airing.

4. I used to be fat.

5. I get agnostics but I don’t really get atheists. It may just be because I’m Catholic, and not believing in God is something I don’t really want to risk. Eternal damnation is a long fucking time.

6. The first time I actually got high was sophomore year of college on a Wednesday night after taking 3 gravity bong hits. The first 10 minutes was awesome the next 3 hours was me vomiting in a toilet. The next day I skipped my anthropology class, and because I missed that one class I failed my final, bringing my A down to a C+. It was totally worth it.

7. I have a sick obsession with mayo. I know it’s going to kill me, but Jesus Christ, its fucking awesome.

8. My perfect man is a combination of Jim Gaffigan, Mike Birbiglia, the voice of Harold Ramis and Hyde from That’s 70s show, not the actor that plays him, but the fictional character itself.

9. I love popping zits. There I said it. And anyone who says they don’t is totally full of shit.

10. I wish I were a snake.

Now on to the awards,

Mikey @ Happy Berfday To Me I went to college with this guy and the dude is funny. Check him out.

Thoughts of a Randmonista @ TOAR I like her attitude and so should you!

And last but no leas,t Dan @ From the head of Danaconda . I swear he is the male version of me and it’s fucking awesome.


Thanks again guys for rocking my world!

This ain't no disneyland wedding...

What I’m about to write is completely true. I have told friends, family, hobos and drag queens about my dream wedding, all of them waiting in intense anticipation for their frilly beige invitation.

I have even reenacted various moments for a select few of the ceremony, which have left me groaning in pain as I flip backwards in a fake drunken swagger. Yes…swagger.

My parents have already said that if I even attempt to make this dream wedding come to forewishen they will not pay…let alone attend. They said they’d be “disgraced.” Bitch please; I’m the epitome of grace.

But that’s cool I can rent a dad to walk me down the aisle… a black one.

Here are the basics: I want to be obliterated, stumbling down the aisle, with a bouquet of Keystone Light cans. Not that I like Keystone Light, I just think it’s a well-known staple in any white-trash life-style.

I plan on ripping about 10-27 shots of Malibu (I’m a pussy, I know) with the bridal party moments before the ceremony begins.

“Low rider” will be blaring in the Catholic Church, preferable with George Lopez jumping on a trampoline in the faint distance. Kegs spray-painted like tires will line the aisles. Each keg will have a ten-foot pole. (Don’t worry it will make sense in a second.)

My bridesmaids will be forced to dance on top of every pole they pass; while each groomsmen throws monopoly money or condoms at them. But not me, I’m too classy for that.

I will be staggering two steps behind my friends screaming obscenities such as, “I’m not a virgin!” or “I had sex with that guy (pointing to the groom)…and that guy (pointing to the best man)…” or my ultimate favorite (pointing to my who-hah), “Why does it burn down there?!”

At one point I hope to fall flat on my face, and pretend to be unconscious. But I probably won’t be “pretending” since I just ripped 27 shots. I will stay on the ground for 3 minutes, then jump up miraculously and scream, “I just got hammered with Jesus!”

Now, at this point in the ceremony, I’m assuming the priest will try to attempt to stop my fairytale moment for some ungodly reason like sobriety, or some stupid shit like that. But I will have already bribed him with male hookers; sodomy saves the day once again!

By this time I will have vomited on my off-white (who am I fooling) Juicy Couture pantsuit, strictly for the elastic waistband. (I’m assuming I will have gained an exponential amount of weight by the time I get married).

The look of love on my soon to be husband’s face, will again procure vomit from my black hole of a mouth.

We shall say our “I-do’s” and my husband will be forced to kiss my vomit-drenched mouth. And when you see me I’ll be laughing at the world…slipping on my own vomit, but laughing nonetheless.

Glorious.

It was all a dream...

I had a dream last night that I was having sex with this guy that I hate and my ring got stuck around his penis. And I don’t mean the ring was cleanly wrapped around, the penis was tangled inside the ring. I guess I was just a little too excited…

First off, let me explain the ring. The ring itself doesn’t fully enclose. Somehow way back in the day my mom broke the band, and tried to silly putty the band back together. Now this works 70% of the time. The other 30% of the time I find the ring stuck in my hair while I’m racing on the highway, or stuck on one of my jeans belt loops a little to close to my zipper at work, or stuck on some guy’s underwear. Yeah, I don’t know how the last one happened.

One time I lost my ring after (or during?) having sex, I was positive it was stuck on either me or the guy in some unseen orifice. But I never thought to look on the guy’s penis. Jesus, that’s just cruel. Turned out, I had taken it off right before we engaged in “intercourse.” I guess I had learned from the underwear mistake.

So the dream itself wasn’t that far of a stretch. My motive however was. In the dream, I was having sex with this guy, to get out of having sex with this guy. I can even remember in my dream, thinking how great of a plan this was. I just love knowing my inner –psyche is a dumb slut.

We were also having sex behind a Food Lion. Classy, I know. In the bushes. Without a condom. So, I obviously like the keep my sex dreams as realistic as possible.

Also I have very vivid dreams; I can never tell I’m dreaming until I come to screaming in a cold sweat because I had another “I’m preggers” nightmare. But this time the dream world gave me a clue: I wear my ring on my left hand, so for the ring to get stuck on his wee-wee I had to be using ol’ lefty, which I never do!

So while he’s screaming at his deranged penis, I ripped the ring off of his penis and walked away, naked, towards a beautiful sunset and climbed upon an unicorn that farted butterflies out of its ass and smiled because at the end of the day….

It was all a dream.