I had a dream last night that I was having sex with this guy that I hate and my ring got stuck around his penis. And I don’t mean the ring was cleanly wrapped around, the penis was tangled inside the ring. I guess I was just a little too excited…
First off, let me explain the ring. The ring itself doesn’t fully enclose. Somehow way back in the day my mom broke the band, and tried to silly putty the band back together. Now this works 70% of the time. The other 30% of the time I find the ring stuck in my hair while I’m racing on the highway, or stuck on one of my jeans belt loops a little to close to my zipper at work, or stuck on some guy’s underwear. Yeah, I don’t know how the last one happened.
One time I lost my ring after (or during?) having sex, I was positive it was stuck on either me or the guy in some unseen orifice. But I never thought to look on the guy’s penis. Jesus, that’s just cruel. Turned out, I had taken it off right before we engaged in “intercourse.” I guess I had learned from the underwear mistake.
So the dream itself wasn’t that far of a stretch. My motive however was. In the dream, I was having sex with this guy, to get out of having sex with this guy. I can even remember in my dream, thinking how great of a plan this was. I just love knowing my inner –psyche is a dumb slut.
We were also having sex behind a Food Lion. Classy, I know. In the bushes. Without a condom. So, I obviously like the keep my sex dreams as realistic as possible.
Also I have very vivid dreams; I can never tell I’m dreaming until I come to screaming in a cold sweat because I had another “I’m preggers” nightmare. But this time the dream world gave me a clue: I wear my ring on my left hand, so for the ring to get stuck on his wee-wee I had to be using ol’ lefty, which I never do!
So while he’s screaming at his deranged penis, I ripped the ring off of his penis and walked away, naked, towards a beautiful sunset and climbed upon an unicorn that farted butterflies out of its ass and smiled because at the end of the day….
It was all a dream.