I'm a nanny...
Shocking, I know.
Well, yesterday the two boys wanted to play pretend restaurant and they made the menu specifically for me...
...did I just win the "best nanny ever" award? Why yes. Yes. I. Did.
Well, yesterday the two boys wanted to play pretend restaurant and they made the menu specifically for me...
...did I just win the "best nanny ever" award? Why yes. Yes. I. Did.
Do you really think women can be funny though, nat?
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Subconscious Natalie...let's chat.
My sex dreams are usually pretty shameful. I usually wake up drenched in a sin-sweat questioning out loud…
“Was I drunk in my dream?”
“Is my asleep Natalie more of a whore than awake Natalie?”
“Did I eat a whole package of bologna slathered in mayo before bed, again?”
And I must admit, this makes me really worry about subconscious…well to be frank…it’s not like I wasn’t concerned before…it’s just the past 13 sex dreams I’ve had have been kind of a red flag. A huge fucking red flag.
Sex dreams are not supposed to be embarrassing.
It’s like my inner psyche has even lower standards than my only reality…and that’s really low…
…dreams are the one place that Catholics can hide their sinful thoughts from Jesus/ Black Santa/the assistant manager at Taco Bell…
Whatever don’t act like he isn’t a god. Did Jesus give you 89-cent taco Sundays? Um, no he didn’t…all he did was die for you sins…big whoop.
…and I just proved my point.
Anyways, I’m convinced that my local pizza delivery boy has pulled an Inception shenanigans on my dreams because I wake up way too many mornings crazy deep dish pizza and sex.
…That or I watch way too much amateur porn.
…or I eat more than the average consumption of bologna…I also just had to sing the Oscar Meyer Wiener song out loud to correctly spell bologna.
God damn you, original speller of bologna…god damn you.
So is this what my life has come too? A plethora of meat/mayo/porn/shameful sweating… sprinkled with a few SNL marathons every Tuesday and Thursday?
And yet boys still want to boink me with their man junk?
It’s the riddle of the sphinx…I swear to god.
I'm sorry to report....
So I’m sorry to report but I actually will not be writing about my NYE. My mom reads my blog religiously and honestly, I just don’t feel like getting “that” phone call this week…
“Really, Natalie? Really?!?”
“It’s not as bad as it sounds. I swear.”
“Sure it wasn’t. By the way…what does ‘jungle fever’ mean again?”
“Oh, no going through a tunnel, going to lose y---“
Love you, mom. Seriously I do. I’ll call you after work today. The bleach worked amazingly, by the way!
So to make it up to you guys, I have compiled yet another brilliant list of why men should never be attracted to me/what getting high for two years straight does to your brain and/or Oh. Dear. God. I hope she’s lying (…I’m not).
1. One time I tried to steam a shirt I was currently wearing…I had a burn mark on my stomach for two months.
2. Tried to get one of my friends high but accidentally burnt half of her right eyebrow off…and didn’t tell her….don’t worry she figured it out.
3. I’ve been trying to write this post for the past three days.
4. I screamed, “We’ll double team it!” in my feature writing class senior year of college…the professor didn’t laugh…nor did the uber-religious Christian chick in that class.
5. You know what’s awesome? Spraying vanilla icing on a mini-donut.
6. You know what’s even more awesome? Spraying vanilla icing directly into your mouth.
7. I straightened my hair for three weeks because I was too lazy to walk down to Duane Reade and buy hairspray.
8. If I don’t have to leave the apartment that day…I won’t put on pants.
9. If I know I have to leave the apartment at a certain time…I won’t put pants on until five minutes before said time.
10. If Matt’s not home…pants will not be on.
11. I was a closeted Barney fan until sixth grade.
12. I have run into a screen and/or glass door five times in my life.
13. My mom has tricked me into eating a dog treat…well she tricked me twice.
14. One time I got so high, I started hallucinating and walked into my empty apartment only to hear, “THIS IS THE DEVIL!” My roommates found me sitting on the kitchen counter dipping Tostitos into a can of vanilla icing.
15. I have dropped sweet and sour sauce all over my legs twice in my life…one time I was super plastered and my roommates found me covered in sweet and sour sauce, screaming, “I’m going to kill myself!” after they had gone to work-out. SIDE NOTE: It was the same roommates from 14.
16. I’m currently not wearing a shirt...but I have a superman bra on…that I’ve had since I was twelve…
17. I usually watch “Intervention” with at least one 40 in my hand…prefereably a Hurricane.
18. I woke up with chocolate all over my bed the other day…I did not go to sleep with chocolate in the bed….
19. All siblings were banned from attending field trips from my brothers school, for something I did when I was four years old.
20. Champagne/Tequila and/or wine turns me into a Grade A whore.
....Turned on? That's what I thought.
I should be surprised, but I'm not...I'm really not.
But seriously, they have some pretty legit deals on some sexy sex toys! ow! ow! Get on with yo' bad selves, sexy orthodox jews.
Check them out! Kosher Sex Toys
I hope I never change. Ever.
My New Years was pretty epic and while yes I will write more about the actual night in the next few days seeing as its riddled with shit-showness and alcohol abuse, I have to take a second just to state how mother-god-damn-fucking happy I am right now.
And while yes I know that this moment is inevitably fleeting… there seriously is nothing quite as satisfying as the validation one can be given about their “less than stellar” life choices through pure monumental bliss.
I’m not saying I have finally gotten my shit together, because actually it’s quite the opposite. I’m a shit-show, sober and/or drunk. But I have finally accepted that that is who I am…a shit-show. A pretty hilarious shit-show if I do say so myself.
I’ve made some stupid choices in my life. Said some stupid comments. Done some stupid things. (I accidently shot hair spray in my eyes yesterday. I don’t think that really needs any explanation.) But they’ve all lead me to this moment of clarity, and for that I will be forever grateful.
And that’s why my new years resolution is to never forget this feeling. Even after I’m plastered, bawling in the corner of my bathroom because he broke my heart (that was years ago…but who am I kidding… it will happen again). Or when my “perfectly timed black joke” fails on stage. Or… when I accidently spray hairspray directly into my eyes in front of multiple people, only to fall on my ass because I’m laughing so hard at my own stupidity.
I’ve never wanted to be weirder more in my life, than this moment right now. You never remember the normal people in your life, but always the weird ones. And that fact alone will keep me happy for years….well that and industrial sized vats of mayo.
SCHAZAM!
And now to hold you all over until my next post, I have taken the time to jot down some of the epic things said between my friends and I on that lovely night we like to call New Years Eve. I will let you decide which ones I said:
“That dudes hot.”
“Yeah, I like his chucks. And by chucks I mean his penis.”
“Our priest’s name is father “who touches little boys.”
“I specifically remember thinking if I go to sleep tonight… I will die.”
“He got tipped over 50 dollars and received a slew a highly sexually comments directed at his penis… so yes… he had a good night.”
“BBBBBBBGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFF!” (Black. Guy. I’d. Fuck….a term I created that urbandictionary.com still won’t recognize….assholes.)
“I remember thinking…if Kerry left she would have grabbed her coat…but it was still there.”
“And I thought… I’ll grab my coat after I find Natalie.”
“Our drunken logic is magical.”
“She’s a NYC girl she’ll find her way home…I want McDonalds.”
“She's dead let's just move on its what Natalie would have wanted.”
Texts I received that night after I was able to recharge my phone that :
“Oh hey. Where the fuck are you?”
“Natalie…where the heck are you…Kerry came home with us cause she lost you…if you need a way home call us an we will get you home…please call us.”
…yeah….it’s a good fucking story.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, FUCKERS.
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