Basically my phone is a piece of shit...and it hates me. At this point I'm pretty sure it's jealous of my wit and just likes to make me sound slightly learning disabled via text. Which to be quite honest, I don't really need help in that deptartment.
And since my phone is being such a cunt the only productive thing I can do until it dies (or I replace it) is talk behind it's ugly black back (it's not racist because it's true).
That's right you piece of shit, let me just list the reasons why you are such a fucking a whore!
1. I can't text numbers.
...I have to write them out...which looks really weird when you are trying to tell someone to meet you at "twelve-thirty p.m."
2. I cannot use the letter "M" without texts automatically sending.
....80% of the time if I attempt to use a word with the letter "m" the text will just fucking send. So lately, I've been doing one of two things....1. Just giving up on the conversation and throwing my phone across the room...or...2. replacing the letter "M" with the letter "N" which gets a little awkward when I need to use the word migger.
3. My phone has conveinently stopped vibrating.
...which whatever does seem like a big deal but I have had my phone set to vibrate for over a year now. I use it for everything from receiving texts to my alarm clock, since I'm such a deep sleeper normal alarm sounds won't wake my fat ass up. Now I keep hearing weird noises coming from my back pocket...and it's freaking me the fuck out.
4. I can no longer use the delete button.
...if I fuck up a text that hasn't already automatically send. I have to trash it and start all over...my life is very hard.
5. I can no longer check recent missed calls.
...what the fucking fuck?!
6. Sometimes when I go to check my voicemail...the automated voicemail lady voice will tell me, "Your voicemail is currently unavailable, bitch."
...I will find you automated voicemail lady-bitch...and I will shove lard down your throat.
7. My phone will randomly delete texts (that I have sent and received).
...whatever...I didn't want to read those texts anyways...even if it was from the dude I'm basically in love with...you just don't want me to be happy, WHORE! And to think I almost set you up with that Blackberry.
8. The bitch will randomly turn off.
...fuck off.
9. The bitch will randomly turn on.
...fuck on.
10. The fucking phone will just randomly send my number to people via text.
...the best part about this little trick, my whore of a phone likes to perform, is that no one ever realizes it's my number. They always say "Thanks for the number...whose is it?" It's mine assholes...which means you don't love me...and now I'm going to cry into a vat of Hellman's mayo.