I’m not going to lie…I kind of pictured being 22 a little differently in my head.
I don’t know something like…graduating college, moving back to nyc and living just like the women of “Sex and the City”…you know…something like… “Let’s get shitty and be whores, while still being ridiculously successful in our careers and never having our reputation ruined for the amount of dick we’ve intaked!”
…It’s every girls dream, really.
However, I didn’t quite foresee breaking down into tears every time the vanilla-icing spray can ran out mid spray…
…why god? Why do you want to hurt me so?
And I never thought that I would watch so much porn in one sitting that I’d have to revert to a House Hunters International marathon for sexual stimulation.
“You’re getting a seven bedroom, five bath in Sicily for 300,000 euros?!?! You’re so naughty…do it again…just do it.”
Or not talking to my mother for 3 days because she had the audacity to buy light mayo…LIGHT FUCKING MAYO…because she thinks I have an “abnormal” obsession with that magical elixir of happiness and prosperity…
…bitch, you don’t know me.
And there’s never a better feeling in the world than when you feel your cell phone vibrating in your back-pocket and you hope…no you pray… it’s the boy you’re semi-interested in…only to find out that that “vibration” was just the strategic timing of your thigh and lower ass rubbing up against each other…
…pretty much the fatso’s equivalent of snapping your fingers…
My life has become a joke…and a poorly written one at that.
I’m embarrassed, yet intrigued all at the same time…everyday I wake up and wonder… “How long will I play with my boobs today?”
And nothing says, “I’ve got my shit together” better than waking up half-naked and consuming a whole bag of cheeto twisted puffs, while dancing to N’Sync/Spice Girls/Kesha for more than two hours straight.
What happened to all that potential my professors said I had? Did I sit on it? Did I eat it out of spite?
What the fucking fuck happened to me?
Okay…that’s not really a question, I’ve always been like this…now it just seems a little more pathetic than usual.
I’m not going to lie…I’m feeling a little lost right now and quite honestly, all I want…no…need in life right now is for a human size vat of mayo to spoon me, but until Hellman’s mayo sees the need for a human sized vat of mayo…I’m shit out of luck.
God damnit.