1. Throw up in a taxi.
…Preferably alcohol related. And try to throw up in multiple taxis on the same night…usually makes for a good story.
2. Drink cheap champagne on the great lawn.
…Don’t worry, it’s really easy to hide. Just red solo-cup the shit out of that situation. And when you run out of booze there will be dudes pedaling Heinekens out of a rolling cooler.
3. That being said, buy the beer from the random dudes selling Heineken after you’ve run out of cheap champagne, while drinking on the great lawn.
…Did you go there to get hammered anyways?
4. Learn how to properly walk in heels down subway stairs, or anywhere in NYC for that matter.
…I still haven’t mastered this technique yet…but I heard you look really hot once you do.
5. Hook up with an employee, especially if you’re an intern.
…Come on! They are having you working for free…you deserve some fun.
6. Crocodile Lounge.
…. Look it up. You get a pizza with every drink. Enough said.
7. Walk around like a total jackass.
…No, but seriously. You are in the greatest city in the world, whether you are visiting or you live here permanently, put on some sexy boots and classic Ray Bans and walk like you own this shit… everyone else is doing it.
8. Get so drunk you walk into the Subway and end up in Queens.
…Especially if you live nowhere near Queens. Believe me, it’s good fun! Just make sure you find a taxi quick enough that you make it in time to hurl in the privacy of your own apartment… you might be naked while you’re hurling into the toilet…whateva, shit happens.
9. Fall in love.
…. Gross I know. But just do it. Long distance, or right here in the city. You grow up a fucking lot when you finally realize the world doesn’t revolve around you.
10. Become a nanny (and/or manny).
… Best. Birth. Control. Ever.
11. Just go with the flow.
…Some days (or nights) you are going to randomly find yourself around people you’ve never met in your life…they will soon become your best friends.
12. Do what you fucking came here to do.
…We all came here for a fucking reason. Don’t get lost in the bullshit and booze. Well actually no, do get lost in the bullshit and booze but let it be apart of the creative experience, at least that’s what I tell my mother every time I drunk dial her.
13. Drunk dial your parents.
…Don’t pretend like you don’t fucking miss them. Now call your mother and tell her swapping drug stories made you the fine lady (or man) you are today.
14. Remind yourself that some of your old friends suck, and learn how to cut people out of your life.
…Fo real though. They do. You got out. You took a chance. And they will forever resent you for that. It’s going to be friends you don’t expect. People you thought always had your back. They don’t. They are dicks. Now take a shot and tell those assholes off.
15. Piano at F.A.O Schwartz.
…That is all.
16. Hot dog vendors…anywhere in the city.
…That is all.
17. Brunch.
…Awww shittttt, should you be drinking before noon? Fuck. Yeah. You should be drinking before noon. Now here’s the thing. You need to find an “unlimited brunch.” These occur on the weekends and usually cost about 20 bucks for unlimited mimosas. You ain’t got money bitch, you live in NYC, you take that fucking deal.
18. You know those friends that make more money than you?
…Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. When they offer to pay, let them. You can paint them a picture later.
19. Remember “Sex and the City” is not real.
…You will never be Carrie. You will never live in a rent-controlled apartment in an amazing location. You will never have crazy amazing dancer-legs. You are five feet tall, if that. But you are spunky and funny and have been told you can do a mean Cartman impression when you are hammered. That is all you need to be happy in this city. And booze. Booze will make you happy.
20. Sleep naked.
…Seems to be a real “New York” thing. I’m not against it.