I need to start doing stand-up. It's seriously the best way to get hired as a comedy writer for basically anything, but I’m not even going to pretend that I’m not not scared shitless…
…also…I’ve been drinking. God damn you, Michelob Ultra, you sexy, sexy, man you so this post may turn into a train wreck. (But aren’t those the best wrecks to watch?)
Any who…let’s get back to me being scared shitless…now I know…I know you think I’m infallible…and perfect… and let’s be completely honest…I am.
But I’m pretty sure, even Jesus would suck at stand-up…that cloth robe thingy he constantly wears? Talk about a heckler’s dream.
And that beard? Already perfected by Galifinakas.
I know I’m going to suck. That’s inevitable. Everyone has to suck at first. Right?
Right?!?!
And what’s my stage persona going to be? A bitch? No. no. no. That shits been done. I don’t want to be just another bitch. I want to be a jackass. A lady jackass.
But I’m too cute to be a perceived as a jackass at first glance.
“Oh no…she’s pretty…she’s just going make jokes about having HPV…who this bitch think she be? Amy Schumer?”
It’s so much easier being funnier on paper (for me at least)…and unless I’m constantly vomiting on stage…I’m not quite sure what people are going to laugh at exactly.
At first I was just going to use my blog posts as materials, but my friends shut down that idea real quick.
“I would advise you not to do that.”
“Wait…why not?”
“You talk about mayo, like a lot.”
“Yeah, and?”
"Ew.”
Dammit. I was totally going to talk about mayo the whole time.
Meat. Mayo. Porn. Honestly, those were going to be my staples of my act. Or maybe I should talk about being fat for what…17 years?
Or maybe I should get fat again and make that my act?!?
No.
Adult braces?
No.
Spray-can icing on tortilla chips?
Yes…..?
Taco Bell? Oh…yeah….taccccccoooooo belllllllll. That’s a gold mine, fuckers! Specifically when Mr. Bell gave me good poisoning during driving school. Good times.
Oh. Dear. God. Help. Me.
Politics?
I’m not that smart.
Catholicism?
If I do…the devil will eat my soul…
As you can see, I’m a very deep person, especially when my days only consist of mini-donuts and bean and cheese burritos….
…however, I do, do a good impression of my mother. It helps that I look and sound exactly like her, but whatever…fuck you. I still do a better impression that you, asshole. I don't need your judgemental stare right now!
Hmmmmmmmmm.
…well I’m pretty fucked…and I haven’t even begun yet….this is not good.