The fact that I am not morbidly obese yet baffles me.
I eat. Like a lot. Like I’ve finished whole pizzas on my own. Consumed full course dinners while still having room for a 12-inch sweet onion teriyaki chicken sub (with extra mayo) from Subway that was literally consumed in under ten minutes (and if you don’t believe me, I have people to attest to that to that glorious fact).
Condiments (with one in particular) hold a special place in my heart. I love you Hellman…always and forever.
There will be two cakes at my wedding. One for me and one for my guests…the one for myself will be bigger.
I have put chocolate syrup on bacon. On more than one occasion.
If that doesn’t scream “type two diabetes” I have no clue what the fuck does.
And it’s not like I’m fat…I mean I could be skinnier (said the white girl)…but I wear size six jeans. All the jackets that are currently in my closest rotation are size small. I’m what some would call a “little petite white bitch.”
Artery clogging amounts of s’mores, Oreo balls, cookies, etc. have been shoved into my mouth on multiple occasions. And I looked good doing it too…well I looked like I was about to vomit…whatever…tomato tomato. Hmmm…that saying doesn’t seem to work as well on paper. Whatever, fuck it. You know what I’m trying to say.
Even my roommate is baffled by my eating habits:
Matt: “I feel like you’re the monster in the village that I have to feed constantly or you’ll kill everyone.”
Matt: “I feel like in every scene you should be eating.”
Matt: “When you get famous can I be your personal assistant?
Me: “Oh god, I don’t even know what I would do with a personal assistant.”
Matt: “Are you kidding? Buy you food. Make you food. Feed you food. Go buy you more food.”
Even random people are baffled by this shit:
Waitress: “He got the single burger…she got the double (laughs). You think it be the other way around.”
…I did not leave her a tip.
And I’m not really complaining about this situation. I love to eat. And I’m lucky enough to not gain (that much) weight with my daily binges. However, I know this moment is fleeting.
Cause when this shit catches up to me…it ain’t going to be pretty.