Sexually Repression, Threesomes and Shakespeare? Why yes, it is another installment of Sex and the City, Awkwardly Speaking

I want to thank you guys so much for all the questions! I'm thinking about turning this "advice column" into it's own website. Let me know if you guys think it's worth the time, and don't forget to send your questions to... awkwardsexandthecity@gmail.com!

This next set of questions comes from a "Mr. David" who asked:


1.  I had a dream recently where I was in prison, and no butt sex occurred.  Is my subconscious telling me that I'm sexually repressed?

2.  What is the general opinion of women (or yourself, depending on how broad you intend this to be) on manscaping?  Do we really need to bother or do most women not actually care?

3.  Does the threesome hold the same appeal to women that it does to men?

4.  Is it weird or hot to quote Shakespeare during sex?

Dear David,

 

I can only hope my answers shed some light your questions and general being, if not... you're fucked.

1. Abso-fucking-lutely it means you are sexually repressed. Butt sex is like the main criteria for male prison dreams. What the fuck is wrong with you?! So now you have to ask yourself…what exactly are you ashamed of, or what has caused these feelings of repression? Your religious upbringing? A strict family, per chance? Or is it just your undying love for certain condiments? Don’t worry, I get it. As a Catholic with a very real love for Hellman mayo, you just have to tell yourself (and the world) that, “Hellman (or Heinz, whatever you fancy) is my soul mate, and if you (the world) can’t accept that, then I don’t want to be apart of your socially conforming world anymore!” It’s that simple, really.

2. For this question it depends on the age of the lady. Older women, they find “manscaping” weird and slightly effeminate to ever be considered a turn-on. Younger ladies, it’s fucking essential. We care. We really do. Nothing is grosser than an untamed dick-beard.  Speaking from personal experience, I will go out of my to way steer clear from an unruly dick-beard. In this day an age, I just see it as a common courtesy. Well that and just another chapter in male-female equality. You can’t ask us to “scape” down thurrr and not expect us to want same. Looks like you’ve some work ahead of you. Snip. Snip.

3. Absolutely not. A guy once told me the main reason men love threesomes is because it’s not just one beautiful lady, it’s two. Um, no. First off, I just see it as one too many vagina's. It’s not a jealousy thing, vagina's are just fucking icky. I will never get the allure (of vagina's, that is). Secondly, have you not watched any amateur porn before? I wouldn’t exactly describe those ladies as “beautiful.” Doable, yes. Easy, absolutely. But not “beautiful.” And we can’t forget that a threesome could potential mean two dudes, one chick. That’s, that’s a lot of dick. Wouldn’t you agree?

4. Well, which play are we talking about here? Macbeth? Yeah, that’s fucking weird. Romeo & Juliet? You’re trying to hard. Henry VIII? Now we’re talking. Give me a little, “A load would sink a navy,” or “If I chance to talk a little wild, forgive me, I had it from my father,” in the heat of the moment, and I’m alllllllllll yours.