· Athletic shorts should only be worn while consuming fried Oreos/watching seasons 1-4 of Lost consecutively/picking up your prescription of Plan B at your local CVS.
· Jeggings are a way of life and not a life choice.
· Gilda Radner has been and will always be God.
· If you can’t sexually harass them via text…it’s not worth it.
· If a ridiculously hot guy is staring at you two seconds to long, it’s probably because you have food on your face…so seriously you do…you should probably go wipe that off now.
· Work with kids…you’ll never want to have unprotected sex…ever.
· Sometimes getting drunk is the only solution.
· Judge no one…criticize everything…unless those bitches deserved to be judged…yeah that’s right whore…I’m talking about you.
· People who hate on Hellman’s Mayo are not your friends.
· Catholic guilt is a very powerful/scary/sexually crazed being.
· Speaking of Catholic guilt…exorcisms are scary as shit.
· Take Dayquil at night… trust me.
· When your friend is being annoyingly drunk…just put a shot of Nyquil in their drink when they aren’t looking…they’ll be out for hours…or days.
· Any time you accidently get too high and start seeing auras around the people you are hanging out with…trust the auras. Your inner psyche never lies.
· Getting crapped on by a bird is not good luck.
· Short shorts and strong legs will always be hot on a dude.
· Nothing says, “I’ve got a big penis” like a 1980’s Tom Selleck ‘stache.
· Emoticons via text/AIM/email is an automatic deal breaker.
· Also…him being a total needy bitch is an automatic deal breaker.
· Christ on a cracker…nutrionally delicious and blasphemous.
· We are all the same…except some people are cooler… and hotter…and better at sex….
· Remember that dude you had a crush on in high school? Yeah he still doesn’t know you exist…even if you are the first one to wish him happy birthday on facebook every year….LOVE ME GOD DAMNIT.
· Exercising is horseshit.
· Bitches that hate on Fleetwood Mac are not your friends.
· Overly religious douche bags that defriend you on facebook are not your friends…no seriously…that’s what defriending means.
· Dudes who say “Free Bird” should be the new national anthem… will be a dude you have sex with and immediately regret it the next day.
· Always invest in a shirt with a wolf on it.
· Baby mallards are beyond cute.
· Mother Nature can suck it…being it all arrogant and shit…stop blowing dust in my eyes, whore!
· David Cross is doable…based on his beard alone.